Matters of the Heart

I have been feeling God leading me to a new ministry opportunity lately. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I have some heart issues to really deal with. I had some great time today to think about how I need to get my heart right, find out what is holding me back, and really just get things on a better level spiritually before I start in on my new venture.

I spent my drive to the gym in prayer. I realized on that drive that I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. Or that I belong wherever I am. Everyone else thinks I belong. Everyone but me. I feel so out of place. Like if they knew who I really am they would see how I really just am not up to par with what they're wanting. I realized how I have felt this way for all of my adult life, and through most of my teenage years. I remember back in my early youth group days thinking "I don't belong here and everyone knows it. They're just putting up with me because that is the 'Christian' thing to do." and because as an early teen I was very shy and not one of the "popular" kids, how I fit in the youth group dynamic kind of drove that thought home. Only a few select people made it their point to really welcome me and include me. Everyone else had their group, and I didn't think I fit anywhere. It's all in my head now, how I don't fit in anywhere. I do. I think that is just a thing satan uses against me to hold me back from truly serving God. And instead of fighting that mental battle, I just give in, do my thing, and just try not to look like an idiot. Before I start my journey, I have to accept that I am capable and I am accepted.

Since a little bit before Christmas I have been really slacking, or totally slacking, in my daily time with God. I had been doing devotions every morning at one point, and was really doing well. And then I started slacking off. Then I just quit. I was spiritually drying up, and I knew it. But I just couldn't break through that depression fog of "I don't care" enough to pick up my worn bible that I have had for almost 14 years. Prayer was hard and uncomfortable. I felt so disconnected from God, even though I knew He was the One holding me up. So before I start embarking on this new journey, I have to draw closer to God.

And on those notes, I have been having better and better days. Some have been good days with dark clouds here and there inside. Some have been fighting through the dark clouds, but good because I was fighting. And today, oh today. It was such a good day. Start to finish it was a great day. Even when my stubborn and defiant at the moment 3rd grader didn't want to do her writing assignment the way the teacher wanted. She wanted to do it her own way. She said "I don't care about my grades. All you care about is me getting good grades!" I explained to her that I cared about her doing her very best, and that would result in good grades. Needless to say, it was a very stressful time, but I stayed calm and patient and she finished her paper with a smile on her face. I didn't have good form on my cleans at the gym and at one point was seriously mad at the fact that I wasn't doing well. But even then it was a great day. I spent time in my kitchen with the sun shining on me through the window, writing out verses for my project, Jesus Culture playing on the computer, and feeling so full of joy I couldn't stop smiling. I feel such a deep and unsinkable joy. I feel like me more and more. I have pressed my heart towards keeping my joy no matter what.

Oh Lord, you're beautiful
Your face is all I seek
And when your eyes are on this child
Your grace abounds to me

I want to take your word and shine it all around
But first help me just to live it Lord
And when I'm doing well, help me to never seek a crown
For my reward is giving glory to you

Oh Lord, you're beautiful
Your face is all I seek
And when your eyes are on this child
Your grace abounds to me