The Blessed Life of a Single Mom

I have been feeling God leading me to a new ministry opportunity lately. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I have some heart issues to really deal with. I had some great time today to think about how I need to get my heart right, find out what is holding me back, and really just get things on a better level spiritually before I start in on my new venture. I spent my drive to the gym in prayer. I realized on that drive that I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. Or that I belong wherever I am. Everyone else thinks I belong. Everyone but me. I feel so out of place. Like if they knew who I really am they would see how I really just am not up to par with what they're wanting. I realized how I have felt this way for all of my adult life, and through most of my teenage years. I remember back in my early youth group days thinking "I don't belong here and everyone knows it. They're just putting up with me because that is the 'Christian' thing t

I would describe how I have felt the past six months as trapped. Like trying to break through a screen door, you can see and feel outside, but you just can't get through.  That's how I have mentally felt. I would put on my smile, engage in the world around me. Not let anyone see what I was really dealing with. I was broken inside. I can even remember the moment I realized that it started. I was sitting at the foot of Caleb's hospital bed. Watching his vitals drop. Watching him die. I remember thinking "I am mad. And I am angry at God." I wasn't blaming God, and I knew that anger was part of the grieving process. But I was angry anyways, I was angry with the nurse responsible for Caleb's death. I was angry, and God was there. In that moment I shut off something inside of me. I broke. I didn't fully realize that I was depressed for a few weeks, maybe a month or so. But I felt defeated when I finally realized it. I knew it was also part of the grievin