The Blessed Life of a Single Mom

365 days. 52 weeks. 12 months. One year. We have made it through a year of firsts. First holidays. First birthdays. First annual picnics, first year of the fair, first wedding. Now we go through the first anniversary of Caleb's death. I'm surprised that the past two days have not been as full of dread as I imagined. The stress of the impending emotions had me with a severe headache at work tonight. I have a great wish. I wish that someone could sketch a picture from my memory. It's a sad picture. Me, sitting on the foot of Caleb's hospital bed. Holding his foot and rubbing it gently with my hand. Looking at the different machines telling his vitals. Looking at him. That picture would be a picture of my breaking point. The memory is burnt clear in my mind. Not knowing what to say to him, not being able to say much beyond "I love you." and "The girls love you." and "It's okay to let go now. You've been strong long enough." Hearing v

This week I began praying through Psalm 27. I love praying through verses because it helps me study the bible, and to really dig into praying more intentionally. I pick apart each line, praying and reflecting over the words and how they apply to my life. Verse one says "The Lord is my light and my salvation -so why should I be afraid? The Lord is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble?"  I picked it apart. "The Lord is my light." I am going through some things right now, and had been calling this time my darkness. But this verse says the Lord is my light. There can be no darkness where there is light. I am going through a valley, but there is no darkness because I have Christ. "And my salvation." My salvation is not dependent upon me. And in fact nothing I do can really stand in God's way, so why am I afraid? "So why should I be afraid?" Well, imagine my chuckle after thinking that previous ending though

Since Caleb's death and my depression, this song has taken on a whole new meaning for me. I probably just listened to it about 7 times, and the last time I cried because I was so overwhelmed with the words. Oh death! Where is your sting? Oh hell! Where is your victory? Oh Church! Come stand in the light! The glory of God has defeated the night! The glory of God has defeated death. Defeated depression. Defeated hell!! Praise the Lord!!! Christ is Risen Matt Maher Let no one caught in sin remain Inside the lie of inward shame We fix our eyes upon the cross And run to him who showed great love And bled for us Freely you bled, for us Christ is risen from the dead Trampling over death by death Come awake, come awake! Come and rise up from the grave! Christ is risen from the dead We are one with him again Come awake, come awake! Come and rise up from the grave! Beneath the weight of all our sin You bow to none but heavens will No scheme of hell, no scoffer's crown No burden great c

I have spent the last 10 years trying to provide for my children, to raise them how God has led me, and essentially to survive as best I could raising my kids completely on my own. No, not without help, but you know what I mean. Anyways, my kids are older, and getting to a point where I am ready to see what God has in store for me for this next phase of life. And in figuring it out, it cannot negatively effect my children. It has to be what is best for us as a family. I have essentially given up getting married again. I am happy with being married to Jesus and Crossfit. I am okay with this, and I don't want to hear "That's when God is going to send someone your way!!" because that isn't always true. Just keep to encouraging me right where I am in my journey. I know I will get lonely, I've been single for more of my adult life than anything, so I know how true it is. But I have survived, and I know I will be fine. Looking ahead is full of unknowns. Go to sc

I have been feeling God leading me to a new ministry opportunity lately. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I have some heart issues to really deal with. I had some great time today to think about how I need to get my heart right, find out what is holding me back, and really just get things on a better level spiritually before I start in on my new venture. I spent my drive to the gym in prayer. I realized on that drive that I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. Or that I belong wherever I am. Everyone else thinks I belong. Everyone but me. I feel so out of place. Like if they knew who I really am they would see how I really just am not up to par with what they're wanting. I realized how I have felt this way for all of my adult life, and through most of my teenage years. I remember back in my early youth group days thinking "I don't belong here and everyone knows it. They're just putting up with me because that is the 'Christian' thing t

I would describe how I have felt the past six months as trapped. Like trying to break through a screen door, you can see and feel outside, but you just can't get through.  That's how I have mentally felt. I would put on my smile, engage in the world around me. Not let anyone see what I was really dealing with. I was broken inside. I can even remember the moment I realized that it started. I was sitting at the foot of Caleb's hospital bed. Watching his vitals drop. Watching him die. I remember thinking "I am mad. And I am angry at God." I wasn't blaming God, and I knew that anger was part of the grieving process. But I was angry anyways, I was angry with the nurse responsible for Caleb's death. I was angry, and God was there. In that moment I shut off something inside of me. I broke. I didn't fully realize that I was depressed for a few weeks, maybe a month or so. But I felt defeated when I finally realized it. I knew it was also part of the grievin