The Blessed Life of a Single Mom

I feel like an emotional roller coaster. I feel like I'm happy one minute, and then the next something brings me to tears. I sat down to do my devotions this morning, and it seemed like everything was against me. Phone ringing, kids needing me for something, mind wandering. I finally got my peace and quiet and dove in.  I am so excited as I am starting a 90 day study on the life of Jesus. I finished one on David, and loved it. At the end of today's it asked a few questions that really made me just stop and think. What do I hope to experience at Jesus' feet? What am I bringing that needs healing? What emptiness or brokenness needs mending? Tears began to fall. What do you want to say to Him at the outset of this journey? Prayer began to pour out. Part of my heart has been dealing with the some of the feelings I had not addressed from sitting at the hospital watching Caleb slip away. Anger. Anger that God would let this all happen. Questioning. What if God isn't real

[Chorus] Bless the Lord, O my soul O my soul Worship His holy name Sing like never before O my soul I'll worship Your holy name The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning It's time to sing Your song again Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me Let me be singing when the evening comes [Chorus] Bless the Lord, O my soul O my soul Worship His holy name Sing like never before O my soul I'll worship Your holy name You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger Your name is great, and Your heart is kind For all Your goodness I will keep on singing Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find [Chorus] Bless the Lord, O my soul O my soul Worship His holy name Sing like never before O my soul I'll worship Your holy name And on that day when my strength is failing The end draws near and my time has come Still my soul will sing Your praise unending Ten thousand years and then forevermore [Chorus x2] Bless the Lord, O my soul O my soul Worship His holy name Sing li

It has been two months today since Caleb went home to be with the Lord. Just 3 and a half hours from now will be what time Mom called to tell me to come to the hospital. That it was bad. That his heart was failing. That we were going to decide to let him go. Just the thought of it brings tears to my eyes, a lump in my throat, and a terrible ache in my chest. How has it been only two months, and how has two months gone by so fast. It seems like it has been so long, yet so short. I miss him so much. I've read back over my blogs from it all, and just think "Why does it feel like it was just a dream?" I love how Mom talked to me one day about Caleb sitting in heaven talking with C.S. Lewis, A.W. Tozer, J.R. Tolkien, and more importantly, Jesus. It is a big comfort to think of his favorite authors and Jesus just sitting there talking with him. This year has been full of ups and downs. All over the map. Unexpected ones. It's been a lot for me to really handle. Lately I

It's almost been 2 months since Caleb died. It feels like it's been so much longer. All of August is a blur. I don't remember most of it. September is less foggy, but still I look at my calender and think "Oh yeah, we did do that. It feels like forever ago." Everything is kind of in a haze. I don't know why, but this past week has been especially hard. Everyone thinks that I'm such a strong person, and I feel like in thinking that they kind of forget me. True or not true, that is just how I feel. And I put on a strong front and say "I'm good" or "I'm fine" when really I'm like an old cement bridge, crumbling to pieces on the inside. I don't really notice until a big chunk falls. I'll sit and cry. I'll sit and stare. I'll have things that need to be done yesterday, and I just can't find it in me to care. So yesterday at church, I stopped saying "I'm fine". I was honest with the people who

More - Andrew Peterson This is not the end here at this grave  This is just a hole that someone made  Every hole was made to fill  And every heart can feel it still--  Our nature hates a vacuum  This is not the hardest part of all  This is just the seed that has to fall  All our lives we till the ground  Until we lay our sorrows down  And watch the sky for rain  There is more  More than all this pain  More than all the falling down  And the getting up again  There is more  More than we can see  From our tiny vantage point  In this vast eternity  There is more  A thing resounds when it rings true  Ringing all the bells inside of you  Like a golden sky on a summer eve  Your heart is tugging at your sleeve  And you cannot say why  There must be more  There is more  More than we can stand  Standing in the glory  Of a love that never ends  There is more  More than we can guess  More and more, forever more  And not a second less  There is more than what the naked eye can see  Clothing all

Psalm 27 New International Version (NIV) Psalm 27 Of David. 1  The  Lord  is my light  and my salvation —      whom shall I fear? The  Lord  is the stronghold  of my life—      of whom shall I be afraid? 2  When the wicked advance against me      to devour [ a ]  me, it is my enemies and my foes      who will stumble and fall. 3  Though an army besiege me,      my heart will not fear; though war break out against me,      even then I will be confident. 4  One thing  I ask from the  Lord ,      this only do I seek: that I may dwell in the house of the  Lord      all the days of my life, to gaze on the beauty of the  Lord      and to seek him in his temple. 5  For in the day of trouble      he will keep me safe  in his dwelling; he will hide me  in the shelter of his sacred tent      and set me high upon a rock. 6  Then my head will be exalted      above the enemies who surround me; at his sacred tent I will sacrifice  with shouts of joy;      I will sing  and ma

So I have been misunderstood, and feel like I should redo this whole thing and put it here. Beware, I will be being myself, and if you don't know me well, may take it terribly wrong. If so, and you think I'm being mean, read it again with a different mindset until you get it right. How will you know? You'll think "Hmmm... that's bitingly sarcastic and funny!" That is unless you don't have a sense of humor. Then you're just out of luck and probably shouldn't read any farther. I have been a single mom for over 8 years. I decided that the general public needs to be reminded what not to tell us singles because, well, they keep saying the same programmed responses. Empty responses that others seem to feel responsible for telling us. Over and over and over and over. . . . Singles Christians everywhere get told the same placating remarks every day. At least once. We may be asked if we're seeing anyone, we may be venting about being tired of being

With the school year having started, trying to catch up on my house and editing, and then our normal church/work/social life, I am too drained to make my brain function enough to write a compelling, interesting, or legible blog entry. I'm looking around my house right now thinking "I should probably work on a few areas tomorrow. Before it gets out of hand." Just thinking that makes my brain hurt. For example, I spent most of Thursday sitting on the couch or floor, computer in my lap, editing pictures. Then I managed to feed my kids, send them off to my Aunt's house, went to the gym, took a shower, and ended up staring at the window thinking "I should do. . ." *endless list running through my head. So I went to bed early instead. Friday the girls did school, I did dishes, laundry, general getting ready for a busy work weekend things, and then was gone until about 11:30pm. Work was insane and we didn't leave until over an hour after we closed. I had to

Most people see 30 rounding the corner and freak out. I, on the other hand, am sitting here rubbing my hands together thinking "Bring it on!". I am looking forward to my 30th birthday like a kid looks forward to Christmas. As of Sunday, I hit the "3 months til my 30th birthday" mark. November 25th. I decided that I needed to set some goals to achieve by 30. Several different areas came into that "goal setting" place. Now I just have to decide what goals for each part of my life I need to make. Faith, family, fitness, focus, food, and home. "So faith comes from hearing, and hearing through the word of Christ." Romans 10:17 " Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth. " 2 Timothy 2:15 Faith. I have been slacking off in my spiritual life. I let being busy and other things take the place and time of reading the bible, prayer, devotions. R

After I put the girls to bed tonight, I turned on a Pandora station to help them fall asleep. Later on I was working on laundry in my bedroom when I heard this song come on in the living room. I stopped everything, went in, sat on the couch, and wept. Caleb really liked this guy, and we played this song at the calling hours. It's such a fitting song for where he is now. Someone told me it was like Caleb sent me that song tonight to know he's doing great in heaven. Unfortunately now I cannot stop crying. It's like it broke open the flood gates and the pain is flowing out. My heart is breaking, and I can't make it stop. I can't fix it. I can feel the ache in my heart. I keep remembering the last good visit I had with Caleb in the hospital, and how we just didn't see it coming. Bitter tears over one person's careless actions that took his life. I know, I KNOW that if it wasn't Caleb's time to go, God wouldn't have taken him home. But it still hu

Sometimes we need a little break from being "Mom". I thoroughly enjoy my breaks, even if it means I'm working. But sometimes we just need to sit back and remember why we love being a mom. So here are a few things I just had to share tonight. 1. Dance Parties. We have the best crazy dance parties in the kitchen. No restraint. No cares. Just loud music and dancing in whatever style we feel at that moment. I don't think I have any talent in the form of dance. . . until the girls and I start dancing around. No one to criticize, no one to laugh at how stupid I look. Just unrestrained dancing fun. 2. Singing. We sing it all. We know most of the words. We sing loud. We LOVE singing in the car. Tonight on the way home we sang along with Sara Bareilles and OneRepublic like pros. I hope they always love singing in the car with me. It's the best place to sing. 3. Picking them up after work and having Courtney bury her face in my shirt and breathe in deep. She loves the

So, I'm sitting here eating my failure at a great lunch. All because the mixed greens I bought for my salads tastes like dirt and grass. Not like spinach and other yummy green leafy things that I love. So, I picked out the grilled chicken, pecans, dried cherries, and green onions that I had put in it and left the disguised dirty grass on my plate. I was so excited about making my salads and now, *pouty lip out* I either have to suck it up and eat the nasty stuff or just wait til I go to the store again. So, we got home from a VERY intense workout at the gym today. I came home soaking wet with my legs shaking. . . and I'm still trying to not be inappropriate with it, but it's just so funny! Anyways, great workout! I'll be feeling it tomorrow for sure. The girls had to read their Bibles for a little bit before they could play. They then came out and informed me that Courtney was now Jenna, and Jenna now Courtney. They even switched clothes. This will last until about 5

I have all kinds of motivation starting to plow it's way through. It's taken a little while, but it's back before I thought it would be. The problem is what "project" to start on. We start school on Monday. EEK! and YAY! The school year brings more structure to our lives. It also brings lots of it's own frustrations. I need to make some meal plan ideas. I need to get the books from last year mailed back (yes, I procrastinated with the best on that). I need to get the girls school areas set up. I need to sort through clothes that don't fit, are ruined, are too big but not in the totes for that size. I need to figure out where to put the $2 yard sale book shelf for school books. I need to work on editing pictures. I need to do this, I need to do that, I need to decide where to start! My brain is in organization idea overload. I'm going to really dig my teeth into a good Bible study. I have wanted to do one with friends, but that just didn't work t