My amazing, wonderful, Godly, and dear brother Caleb died on Friday, August 9th, 2013 at 10:35am. My parents 33rd wedding anniversary and the day before Courtney's 9th birthday. My heart is crushed. I know that he is in heaven, and I am praising the Lord at this. I have peace and joy. But right now I am mourning his earthly departure. I miss him so very much. I'm straining my memory to hear his voice. I'm helping my daughters grieve. I'm watching them try to process and deal with this, and it is breaking my heart.
Some things I am learning about mourning. You really just don't care about things.
Like laundry. I realized I desperately need to do laundry. I also don't care. Maybe I'll do it. Maybe I'll just not. Although I REALLY need to do it.
Eating is another one. Or really just remembering to eat. Or making myself eat. I forget that I'm hungry until my stomach hurts. Or I'm just not hungry at all. I made myself eat dinner last night, and since it was La Paloma it was easy to eat happily. Tonight I forgot to eat. Now my stomach is reminding me to do what I should have done about 5 hours ago. . . and I'm eating a cinnamon roll someone had brought out to my parents.
Remembering to get things like gas, milk, laundry detergent. OH SHOOT!! Well, looks like we'll be heading to the store before tackling the laundry tomorrow. And good thing my kids like pancakes, cuz we're out of milk. Which is also why I'm not eating a bowl of cereal right now.
Cleaning out the fridge. It's probably got a science project growing in there right now. I doubt I could care less at this point. I should care. I should take care of it. Buuuuut I'm not because I don't.
How I look. Were it not for the fact that I have some care left, I would have gone to church this morning without a shower and in sweats. That I straightened my hair is a miracle in itself. The rest of the day was in workout clothes. Those are the most comfortable things I own.
*wishing for milk right now since I just finished my cinnamon roll*
I don't care what time my kids go to bed. Well, I sort of do, but if it's 12:30am like tonight, because we're getting funeral stuff figured out, I don't care. They can sleep in. Oh! We can go to the chiropractor after breakfast and before getting laundry detergent! Yay! My back is a mess.
I don't feel like watching TV, reading books, working on the many projects that I normally love, playing games. I just want to sit and, well, stare. Mostly because I'm so tired and slightly congested in my sinus region.
Since I found out one month ago that I'm not aloud to workout until my infection in my arms clears up (which I just looked at, and think it's gone), I don't care that I can't workout right now.
It's crazy what seems important normally just doesn't even come a little bit close now. I want to curl up on a comfy bed and sleep. Snuggle up with my girls and just hold them. I want hugs. I don't want people to expect me to say anything back. I can and sometimes will, but I don't want it to be expected. I'm mourning, I get to say nothing.
I want to heal my daughter's broken hearts. I want to help guide them through this as best I can, and help them to put aside any bitterness that may stem from the circumstances surrounding Caleb's death. Being an example is one of the ways, prayer another, and God's wisdom.
I cannot thank everyone enough for their support, calls, texts, messages, hugs, and encouragement. It has been a blessing. On that note, with no milk to satisfy my current craving, and being so tired that I'm going cross eyed, I must say goodnight.
Some things I am learning about mourning. You really just don't care about things.
Like laundry. I realized I desperately need to do laundry. I also don't care. Maybe I'll do it. Maybe I'll just not. Although I REALLY need to do it.
Eating is another one. Or really just remembering to eat. Or making myself eat. I forget that I'm hungry until my stomach hurts. Or I'm just not hungry at all. I made myself eat dinner last night, and since it was La Paloma it was easy to eat happily. Tonight I forgot to eat. Now my stomach is reminding me to do what I should have done about 5 hours ago. . . and I'm eating a cinnamon roll someone had brought out to my parents.
Remembering to get things like gas, milk, laundry detergent. OH SHOOT!! Well, looks like we'll be heading to the store before tackling the laundry tomorrow. And good thing my kids like pancakes, cuz we're out of milk. Which is also why I'm not eating a bowl of cereal right now.
Cleaning out the fridge. It's probably got a science project growing in there right now. I doubt I could care less at this point. I should care. I should take care of it. Buuuuut I'm not because I don't.
How I look. Were it not for the fact that I have some care left, I would have gone to church this morning without a shower and in sweats. That I straightened my hair is a miracle in itself. The rest of the day was in workout clothes. Those are the most comfortable things I own.
*wishing for milk right now since I just finished my cinnamon roll*
I don't care what time my kids go to bed. Well, I sort of do, but if it's 12:30am like tonight, because we're getting funeral stuff figured out, I don't care. They can sleep in. Oh! We can go to the chiropractor after breakfast and before getting laundry detergent! Yay! My back is a mess.
I don't feel like watching TV, reading books, working on the many projects that I normally love, playing games. I just want to sit and, well, stare. Mostly because I'm so tired and slightly congested in my sinus region.
Since I found out one month ago that I'm not aloud to workout until my infection in my arms clears up (which I just looked at, and think it's gone), I don't care that I can't workout right now.
It's crazy what seems important normally just doesn't even come a little bit close now. I want to curl up on a comfy bed and sleep. Snuggle up with my girls and just hold them. I want hugs. I don't want people to expect me to say anything back. I can and sometimes will, but I don't want it to be expected. I'm mourning, I get to say nothing.
I want to heal my daughter's broken hearts. I want to help guide them through this as best I can, and help them to put aside any bitterness that may stem from the circumstances surrounding Caleb's death. Being an example is one of the ways, prayer another, and God's wisdom.
I cannot thank everyone enough for their support, calls, texts, messages, hugs, and encouragement. It has been a blessing. On that note, with no milk to satisfy my current craving, and being so tired that I'm going cross eyed, I must say goodnight.
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