Today was a long and hard day. I feel like I need to just get it out so I can rest easier tonight. It started with a text "Why is Caleb in the ICU?" Ummmmm???? So I called Dad. Caleb missed several beats in a row, and was in heart failure. His kidneys were failing, or pretty much had failed. He had been moved into the ICU (just the other side of the cardiac wing) in the middle of the night. They were trying to get his heart settled down. To hear my dad start crying on the other end of the line really just sunk me. I cried quietly hoping to not wake the girls.
I started figuring out what my plan of action for the day was going to be. Then Dad called to say Caleb's heart was settled down and they were going to start him on dialysis, which would take a while to get going. THEN Dad called to say he was heading over and wanted to know if I was coming with him. So I took the girls to a friend's house and went to Children's to spend the day with Mom, Caleb, Danielle, Dad, and several friends and family members that came by throughout the day.
Caleb was so swollen and weak. He was on sedatives for some of the dialysis set up process. They had to put a central line in to his neck. I'd want a sedative for that! He would wake up to weakly say a thing or two, and then fall back to sleep mid sentence. He stayed like that the entire day. Later, when they were getting more into the process of getting him ready for dialysis, they gave him Ativan to help him sleep to curb his anxiety. He had a terrible experience with dialysis over a year ago, and nearly died. So, the anxiety was very much expected.
I had many ups and downs during the course of the day. I sat and cried silent tears when no one was watching. I goofed off with my dear cousin Clare. I saw my dad trying so hard to hold it together. Dad named the dialysis machine Darla, as I had decided it needed a name.
The machine that heats the blanket on Caleb to keep him warm through this is named R2-D2. We use humor and such to cope in times like this. We're not dark and mean, we just do what we have to to get through.
I drove my sister's car home in silence. Mostly thinking of nothing. Sometimes thinking over the day, but too tired to really go there. He's so sick. So very sick. He'll be in there for 2 weeks IF his kidneys start functioning again and they get his other medical conditions straightened out. If NOT, it will be longer. Mom will stay with him the whole time. Dad will go over as often as he can. I'll go over when I can, with or without the girls. I'll have to beg friends to watch the girls while I work. It's not all that hard, just have to find someone for the shifts I work. I just hate feeling like I'm burdening other people. Thankfully this week is covered.
My parents 33rd Anniversary is on Friday. They'll spend it in the ICU with Caleb. Courtney's 9th birthday is Saturday. She is so sad that he won't be home for her birthday. She's so sad that he is so sick.
I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to function when it feels like everything is about to crash down around me. I was very short with the girls tonight when trying to get them to bed. I'm sure I wasn't that great of a mom in that time span. I feel terrible. It's not their fault that I'm stressed. Sure, they could have not been fighting like feral cats, but still, I could have handled it much better. I told the girls they could sleep in my bed though, because I want to snuggle them and hold them tight tonight. I know that when I go to bed, it's all going to hit me. All of today. I'll try not to cry and wake them up. Freak them out. Ugh. Also, if this seems scattered and all over the place to you, that is how I feel right now. And on that note, Goodnight!
I started figuring out what my plan of action for the day was going to be. Then Dad called to say Caleb's heart was settled down and they were going to start him on dialysis, which would take a while to get going. THEN Dad called to say he was heading over and wanted to know if I was coming with him. So I took the girls to a friend's house and went to Children's to spend the day with Mom, Caleb, Danielle, Dad, and several friends and family members that came by throughout the day.
Caleb was so swollen and weak. He was on sedatives for some of the dialysis set up process. They had to put a central line in to his neck. I'd want a sedative for that! He would wake up to weakly say a thing or two, and then fall back to sleep mid sentence. He stayed like that the entire day. Later, when they were getting more into the process of getting him ready for dialysis, they gave him Ativan to help him sleep to curb his anxiety. He had a terrible experience with dialysis over a year ago, and nearly died. So, the anxiety was very much expected.
I had many ups and downs during the course of the day. I sat and cried silent tears when no one was watching. I goofed off with my dear cousin Clare. I saw my dad trying so hard to hold it together. Dad named the dialysis machine Darla, as I had decided it needed a name.
Cousin Clare with Darla
I drove my sister's car home in silence. Mostly thinking of nothing. Sometimes thinking over the day, but too tired to really go there. He's so sick. So very sick. He'll be in there for 2 weeks IF his kidneys start functioning again and they get his other medical conditions straightened out. If NOT, it will be longer. Mom will stay with him the whole time. Dad will go over as often as he can. I'll go over when I can, with or without the girls. I'll have to beg friends to watch the girls while I work. It's not all that hard, just have to find someone for the shifts I work. I just hate feeling like I'm burdening other people. Thankfully this week is covered.
My parents 33rd Anniversary is on Friday. They'll spend it in the ICU with Caleb. Courtney's 9th birthday is Saturday. She is so sad that he won't be home for her birthday. She's so sad that he is so sick.
I'm trying to be strong. I'm trying to function when it feels like everything is about to crash down around me. I was very short with the girls tonight when trying to get them to bed. I'm sure I wasn't that great of a mom in that time span. I feel terrible. It's not their fault that I'm stressed. Sure, they could have not been fighting like feral cats, but still, I could have handled it much better. I told the girls they could sleep in my bed though, because I want to snuggle them and hold them tight tonight. I know that when I go to bed, it's all going to hit me. All of today. I'll try not to cry and wake them up. Freak them out. Ugh. Also, if this seems scattered and all over the place to you, that is how I feel right now. And on that note, Goodnight!
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