Today we had the calling hours for Caleb. It was a long day, very long, but it's over already. I'm so very tired. And hungry. Sadly, I'm only hungry for one thing, and I'm not going to get it. Papa Johns Pizza. Why? I have no idea. I just do. I look in the fridge, in the freezer, the cupboards. . . and think "Nope. I'm only hungry for that pizza." No idea what's up with my brain. Probably stress and hormones.
We had an overflowing amount of love today from everyone who came to the calling hours. We all handled it pretty well. Not a lot of tears from us. I think some people were searching deep for that tear in my eye that wasn't there. I'm not going to lie, it was kind of awkward. It's hard though, to be on either side, because what do you say? There were a lot of hugs and "Thank you so much for coming". I was trying earlier to figure out what to say, and thank you so much for coming just seemed to be what I gravitated towards. I know that tomorrow is going to be the hard one. I know that I will be in tears. I know that Courtney will be in tears.
Courtney spent a lot of time during the first set of calling hours in tears. Then after dinner the girls and I went to sit alone in the sanctuary for a bit. Courtney cried and cried. Her heart so broken. Jenna is still figuring out how to process it, and is very much a "stuffer" and will just stuff it inside. They wrote notes and put them under Caleb's hands. Jenna felt his hands, arms, ears, hair. She inspected the stiffness, coldness, and different things that I explained to her. I have a future vet or doctor on my hands with her. She told me "I don't think I can cry about it. I tried, but didn't really cry. I think I might be crying on the inside." So sweet and honest. I'll let her grieve in her own way, and be here when she needs me. The girls have been so blessed to really grow up so close to my brothers. My parents keep them when I work, and so 2-3+ days a week for almost 8 years they have spent time with their uncles. I told them today how blessed they are to have been so close to Caleb.
Now I'm dead tired, still hungry, and ready to just fall asleep. Tomorrow is the funeral. I know how hard it was at Chad's funeral. I'm preparing for that, but not sure what it will bring emotionally. Especially with the girls. I need to be there for them. Not that I won't cry because I need to be strong for them. I will cry. Hopefully not that loud cry that seems to break out in an awkward burst. Oh well, we shall see.
Goodnight.
We had an overflowing amount of love today from everyone who came to the calling hours. We all handled it pretty well. Not a lot of tears from us. I think some people were searching deep for that tear in my eye that wasn't there. I'm not going to lie, it was kind of awkward. It's hard though, to be on either side, because what do you say? There were a lot of hugs and "Thank you so much for coming". I was trying earlier to figure out what to say, and thank you so much for coming just seemed to be what I gravitated towards. I know that tomorrow is going to be the hard one. I know that I will be in tears. I know that Courtney will be in tears.
Courtney spent a lot of time during the first set of calling hours in tears. Then after dinner the girls and I went to sit alone in the sanctuary for a bit. Courtney cried and cried. Her heart so broken. Jenna is still figuring out how to process it, and is very much a "stuffer" and will just stuff it inside. They wrote notes and put them under Caleb's hands. Jenna felt his hands, arms, ears, hair. She inspected the stiffness, coldness, and different things that I explained to her. I have a future vet or doctor on my hands with her. She told me "I don't think I can cry about it. I tried, but didn't really cry. I think I might be crying on the inside." So sweet and honest. I'll let her grieve in her own way, and be here when she needs me. The girls have been so blessed to really grow up so close to my brothers. My parents keep them when I work, and so 2-3+ days a week for almost 8 years they have spent time with their uncles. I told them today how blessed they are to have been so close to Caleb.
Now I'm dead tired, still hungry, and ready to just fall asleep. Tomorrow is the funeral. I know how hard it was at Chad's funeral. I'm preparing for that, but not sure what it will bring emotionally. Especially with the girls. I need to be there for them. Not that I won't cry because I need to be strong for them. I will cry. Hopefully not that loud cry that seems to break out in an awkward burst. Oh well, we shall see.
Goodnight.
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