Skip to main content

4,015 Days

Ten years.

Well, in reality, we're talking more like eleven.

Ten years in the sense that ten years ago today my ex-husband walked out on me and the girls. Eleven in that there has been a lot that happened from 2004 until now.

It's a long time, but it really isn't. It seems like so long, but it seems like it flew by. A lot has happened in the past eleven years. I feel a bit overwhelmed as I sit here and think back. It has been a long, winding, and rough road. So many ups and way too many downs.

I had two kids, a marriage and divorce. I lost two brothers, which took my feet right out from under me. Got engaged, broke off said engagement. Battled depression. Got in shape and fell in love with CrossFit (It's my therapy). Raised two girls through their single digit years. Went through 2 cats, 2 turtles, are on our 3rd and 4th birds. Moved 3 times in less than 2 years, having lived at our current residence for 10 years now. Along with a variety of other things.

This was brought about when a friend of mine (also a single mom) and I were talking yesterday about the number of days we've been single. For her it is 2,827 days. For me, well, my ex-husband walked out 3,650 days ago. Ten years ago today. We have been divorced for 3,011 days. Since he was never really a part of the girls lives (they haven't seen him since they were two and three), and Courtney will be eleven in just over a month, that means I have been raising the girls on my own for 3,956 days. That's a lot of days. On Courtney's birthday (August 10th) it will be 4,015 days.

*checks math*

How have I survived eleven years of raising two kids on my own? Okay, eleven for one kid, ten for both, but still!! The weight of all the responsibilities on my shoulders and mine alone for that long?!

*stares at the screen while the number sinks in*

11 years

132 months

572 weeks

4,015 days

96,360 hours

5,781,600 minutes

346,896,000 seconds

*remembers to inhale*

My family has been a huge help. Huge is an understatement. We've had ups and downs, arguments, misunderstandings, disagreements, and bad days. But it has never stopped them from being there for me when I need them. And as a single mom, that is priceless.

My friends have done what they can. My church family as well. It's hard for them to know what to help with, especially when I'm not good at asking for help.... and at times accepting it.

*cough*bullheaded*cough*

But God is my rock. My redeemer. My fortress. My provider. My comforter. My strength. My hope. My security. My calm in the storm. My God supplies all of our needs. He holds me up when I can't stand on my own. He has been there through it all. He has opened doors, closed others. He sees me at my worst and loves me most. He knows my every flaw, yet still loves me enough to have sent His Son to die for me.

He loves me for me. Not for what I have done or what I will become. *What Love Really Means by JJ Heller* https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PgGUKWiw7Wk

I have learned to say no. No matter how noble the cause, I can't do it all. I can't volunteer for everything. I have put my desires on hold for the good of my family. In a few short years the girls will be grown and I'll need those things to keep me busy. So I'm saving them to keep me sane when I come home to an empty house.

*panic sets in*

Let's not talk about that for another.... lot of years. LOTS OF YEARS!! I'm not going to be the parent that looks forward to the kids moving out. I'm the parent dreading it.

 *more panic*

I know it's inevitable, but I'd rather not go there yet. The hard part is, how fast the last ten years went, the next will go by faster. It makes me wish I had cherished the time with them more. That I had held them tighter. But really, I did cherish it. I did squeeze them tightly. It's just never enough. Time is precious. I know that all too well. I have my share of "I wish I had..." with my brothers. But we can only make the most of the time we're in.

I feel like the later it gets (it's almost 2am) the more all over the place I am going. But I will say, I'm kind of that way no matter what time of day it is.

I want to end this with a song that says it all.








Comments

Popular posts from this blog

Life Gets a Little Crazy

I feel like sleeping, not blogging, so this will be a bit more rushed than normal. It's been so long since I've posted anything, I just felt that it was about time I caught up (not that anyone really cares. Haha).     Being sick got me behind in everything from laundry and dishes to sleep and school work with the girls. . . and editing photos. Now life has been full of catching up and cleaning up.     I found the cure to Courtney's inability to sleep before I go to bed. Constant music. I found a Disney lullaby cd at the library, and have been playing it all night in their room. Courtney sleeps so much better, which means I sleep much better!      My photography session scheduling went crazy the past 2 months and I have been struggling to keep up with all the editing. The editing takes lots of time. Here's an example: I sat for 3 hours straight just color correcting wedding pictures. You would normally think "WOW!! She probably got a whole lot done!"...

“...In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Caleb's funeral was today. There were so many emotions going. It started out okay. People coming in, greeting them, trying to find where my girls were running off to with friends and cousins. So many people came to support us yesterday and today. We were so blessed and so thankful to all who came. It was a great funeral. The music, the message, the friends who got up and spoke. Some of the things said that really meant a lot to me were: 1) Anyone who says that someone physically handicap has no quality of life needs just to look at the life of Caleb to be proven 100% wrong. He lived life to it's fullest. He was a great man of God who studied theology, he wrote wonderfully, and he loved people. His lifelong battle with Duchenne's Muscular Dystrophy never got in the way of his faith, family, and friends. He didn't complain about his handicap. He lived strong in spite of it. 2) Anyone who knows my family knows what trials we have faced. One friend said: All of you ou...

The Things that Come with Mourning

My amazing, wonderful, Godly, and dear brother Caleb died on Friday, August 9th, 2013 at 10:35am. My parents 33rd wedding anniversary and the day before Courtney's 9th birthday. My heart is crushed. I know that he is in heaven, and I am praising the Lord at this. I have peace and joy. But right now I am mourning his earthly departure. I miss him so very much. I'm straining my memory to hear his voice. I'm helping my daughters grieve. I'm watching them try to process and deal with this, and it is breaking my heart. Some things I am learning about mourning. You really just don't care about things. Like laundry. I realized I desperately need to do laundry. I also don't care. Maybe I'll do it. Maybe I'll just not. Although I REALLY need to do it. Eating is another one. Or really just remembering to eat. Or making myself eat. I forget that I'm hungry until my stomach hurts. Or I'm just not hungry at all. I made myself eat dinner last night, an...