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I Can't Stop Crying

After I put the girls to bed tonight, I turned on a Pandora station to help them fall asleep. Later on I was working on laundry in my bedroom when I heard this song come on in the living room. I stopped everything, went in, sat on the couch, and wept. Caleb really liked this guy, and we played this song at the calling hours. It's such a fitting song for where he is now. Someone told me it was like Caleb sent me that song tonight to know he's doing great in heaven.

Unfortunately now I cannot stop crying. It's like it broke open the flood gates and the pain is flowing out. My heart is breaking, and I can't make it stop. I can't fix it. I can feel the ache in my heart. I keep remembering the last good visit I had with Caleb in the hospital, and how we just didn't see it coming. Bitter tears over one person's careless actions that took his life. I know, I KNOW that if it wasn't Caleb's time to go, God wouldn't have taken him home. But it still hurts. The anger is still there. I keep remembering sitting at the foot of the hospital bed, holding onto his foot, and watching him die. I keep thinking of watching my youngest brother and Caleb's best friends carrying his casket out of the church. How I felt my heart being taken out and put into a hearse.

He was my childhood best friend. He was the only other one left of us "older" siblings. I would call him and tell him what show I found, or what toy I saw that was from our childhood. A story that I remembered from when we were kids. I want so badly to tell him about a Street Fighter funny video I saw, but I can't, and it feels so wrong. I feel a bit lost now in the family dynamic.

And so I sit here, tears pouring down my face. Making terrible crying sounds that are fine in private. With a broken heart.

"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." Matthew 5:4

Comments

  1. UnknownAugust 27, 2013 at 6:12 AM

    My heart hurts for you, dear friend. I wish it didn't hurt so much when these things happen. Even though we have the comfort of KNOWING we will see them again, it doesn't make it any less hard or sad. I love you, friend.

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