The Blessed Life of a Single Mom

I have been feeling God leading me to a new ministry opportunity lately. But the more I think about it, the more I realize that I have some heart issues to really deal with. I had some great time today to think about how I need to get my heart right, find out what is holding me back, and really just get things on a better level spiritually before I start in on my new venture. I spent my drive to the gym in prayer. I realized on that drive that I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. Or that I belong wherever I am. Everyone else thinks I belong. Everyone but me. I feel so out of place. Like if they knew who I really am they would see how I really just am not up to par with what they're wanting. I realized how I have felt this way for all of my adult life, and through most of my teenage years. I remember back in my early youth group days thinking "I don't belong here and everyone knows it. They're just putting up with me because that is the 'Christian' thing t...

I would describe how I have felt the past six months as trapped. Like trying to break through a screen door, you can see and feel outside, but you just can't get through.  That's how I have mentally felt. I would put on my smile, engage in the world around me. Not let anyone see what I was really dealing with. I was broken inside. I can even remember the moment I realized that it started. I was sitting at the foot of Caleb's hospital bed. Watching his vitals drop. Watching him die. I remember thinking "I am mad. And I am angry at God." I wasn't blaming God, and I knew that anger was part of the grieving process. But I was angry anyways, I was angry with the nurse responsible for Caleb's death. I was angry, and God was there. In that moment I shut off something inside of me. I broke. I didn't fully realize that I was depressed for a few weeks, maybe a month or so. But I felt defeated when I finally realized it. I knew it was also part of the grievin...

I feel like an emotional roller coaster. I feel like I'm happy one minute, and then the next something brings me to tears. I sat down to do my devotions this morning, and it seemed like everything was against me. Phone ringing, kids needing me for something, mind wandering. I finally got my peace and quiet and dove in.  I am so excited as I am starting a 90 day study on the life of Jesus. I finished one on David, and loved it. At the end of today's it asked a few questions that really made me just stop and think. What do I hope to experience at Jesus' feet? What am I bringing that needs healing? What emptiness or brokenness needs mending? Tears began to fall. What do you want to say to Him at the outset of this journey? Prayer began to pour out. Part of my heart has been dealing with the some of the feelings I had not addressed from sitting at the hospital watching Caleb slip away. Anger. Anger that God would let this all happen. Questioning. What if God isn't real...

[Chorus] Bless the Lord, O my soul O my soul Worship His holy name Sing like never before O my soul I'll worship Your holy name The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning It's time to sing Your song again Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me Let me be singing when the evening comes [Chorus] Bless the Lord, O my soul O my soul Worship His holy name Sing like never before O my soul I'll worship Your holy name You're rich in love, and You're slow to anger Your name is great, and Your heart is kind For all Your goodness I will keep on singing Ten thousand reasons for my heart to find [Chorus] Bless the Lord, O my soul O my soul Worship His holy name Sing like never before O my soul I'll worship Your holy name And on that day when my strength is failing The end draws near and my time has come Still my soul will sing Your praise unending Ten thousand years and then forevermore [Chorus x2] Bless the Lord, O my soul O my soul Worship His holy name Sing li...

It has been two months today since Caleb went home to be with the Lord. Just 3 and a half hours from now will be what time Mom called to tell me to come to the hospital. That it was bad. That his heart was failing. That we were going to decide to let him go. Just the thought of it brings tears to my eyes, a lump in my throat, and a terrible ache in my chest. How has it been only two months, and how has two months gone by so fast. It seems like it has been so long, yet so short. I miss him so much. I've read back over my blogs from it all, and just think "Why does it feel like it was just a dream?" I love how Mom talked to me one day about Caleb sitting in heaven talking with C.S. Lewis, A.W. Tozer, J.R. Tolkien, and more importantly, Jesus. It is a big comfort to think of his favorite authors and Jesus just sitting there talking with him. This year has been full of ups and downs. All over the map. Unexpected ones. It's been a lot for me to really handle. Lately I ...

It's almost been 2 months since Caleb died. It feels like it's been so much longer. All of August is a blur. I don't remember most of it. September is less foggy, but still I look at my calender and think "Oh yeah, we did do that. It feels like forever ago." Everything is kind of in a haze. I don't know why, but this past week has been especially hard. Everyone thinks that I'm such a strong person, and I feel like in thinking that they kind of forget me. True or not true, that is just how I feel. And I put on a strong front and say "I'm good" or "I'm fine" when really I'm like an old cement bridge, crumbling to pieces on the inside. I don't really notice until a big chunk falls. I'll sit and cry. I'll sit and stare. I'll have things that need to be done yesterday, and I just can't find it in me to care. So yesterday at church, I stopped saying "I'm fine". I was honest with the people who...

More - Andrew Peterson This is not the end here at this grave  This is just a hole that someone made  Every hole was made to fill  And every heart can feel it still--  Our nature hates a vacuum  This is not the hardest part of all  This is just the seed that has to fall  All our lives we till the ground  Until we lay our sorrows down  And watch the sky for rain  There is more  More than all this pain  More than all the falling down  And the getting up again  There is more  More than we can see  From our tiny vantage point  In this vast eternity  There is more  A thing resounds when it rings true  Ringing all the bells inside of you  Like a golden sky on a summer eve  Your heart is tugging at your sleeve  And you cannot say why  There must be more  There is more  More than we can stand  Standing in the glory  Of a love that never ends  There i...