It's almost been 2 months since Caleb died. It feels like it's been so much longer. All of August is a blur. I don't remember most of it. September is less foggy, but still I look at my calender and think "Oh yeah, we did do that. It feels like forever ago." Everything is kind of in a haze. I don't know why, but this past week has been especially hard.
Everyone thinks that I'm such a strong person, and I feel like in thinking that they kind of forget me. True or not true, that is just how I feel. And I put on a strong front and say "I'm good" or "I'm fine" when really I'm like an old cement bridge, crumbling to pieces on the inside. I don't really notice until a big chunk falls. I'll sit and cry. I'll sit and stare. I'll have things that need to be done yesterday, and I just can't find it in me to care.
So yesterday at church, I stopped saying "I'm fine". I was honest with the people who love me. I said "I'm broken". I cried. I let them see the hurt. I let them see and hear how I'm struggling. I took down my reinforced steel fortress that I was hiding behind, and let my raw emotion show. I'm not strong. I'm making it, but barely.
It helped immensely to open up. To say "I'm having a really hard time. I feel broken. I feel forgotten. I am having trouble feeling or finding joy." I felt better the rest of the day, and today I feel better. But I still feel broken. I still feel forgotten. I still sit and cry. I will accomplish a few things, feel great, and then I'll retreat into my sadness and fog. It's a cycle that I'm finding out is just part of my grief that God and I are going to work on getting through.
My devotions this morning were so perfect for how I'm feeling right now. They dealt right with the matter of the heart. I know that God's got my back. He's got this. He's holding me up because I am too weak to stand right now. He's encouraging me with words from others, verses I've put up around the house, and even that today is a better day than I've had all through the weekend. I'll have good days and I'll have bad days. I just need to keep God at the forefront of my days.
I will say that the girls are very in tune with my emotions, and all of this crying keeps worrying them. I tell them that I'm going to be okay. I tell them crying is okay. Crying is normal. Crying is something I don't like them to see because they worry, they whisper about it and how to fix it, what happened, is Mommy okay? I don't like them to worry. I need to get over it and let them see me like this because crying isn't a bad thing. That sometimes you just need to cry for no reason. Courtney is beginning to understand that.
Just typing this out has helped me sort things out. I wasn't going to put this out for the world to see, and I don't need anyone to worry. I just felt like sharing where I am. What you can pray for me about. My whole family. We're all still grieving. We're all still hurting. Adjusting.
Everyone thinks that I'm such a strong person, and I feel like in thinking that they kind of forget me. True or not true, that is just how I feel. And I put on a strong front and say "I'm good" or "I'm fine" when really I'm like an old cement bridge, crumbling to pieces on the inside. I don't really notice until a big chunk falls. I'll sit and cry. I'll sit and stare. I'll have things that need to be done yesterday, and I just can't find it in me to care.
So yesterday at church, I stopped saying "I'm fine". I was honest with the people who love me. I said "I'm broken". I cried. I let them see the hurt. I let them see and hear how I'm struggling. I took down my reinforced steel fortress that I was hiding behind, and let my raw emotion show. I'm not strong. I'm making it, but barely.
It helped immensely to open up. To say "I'm having a really hard time. I feel broken. I feel forgotten. I am having trouble feeling or finding joy." I felt better the rest of the day, and today I feel better. But I still feel broken. I still feel forgotten. I still sit and cry. I will accomplish a few things, feel great, and then I'll retreat into my sadness and fog. It's a cycle that I'm finding out is just part of my grief that God and I are going to work on getting through.
My devotions this morning were so perfect for how I'm feeling right now. They dealt right with the matter of the heart. I know that God's got my back. He's got this. He's holding me up because I am too weak to stand right now. He's encouraging me with words from others, verses I've put up around the house, and even that today is a better day than I've had all through the weekend. I'll have good days and I'll have bad days. I just need to keep God at the forefront of my days.
I will say that the girls are very in tune with my emotions, and all of this crying keeps worrying them. I tell them that I'm going to be okay. I tell them crying is okay. Crying is normal. Crying is something I don't like them to see because they worry, they whisper about it and how to fix it, what happened, is Mommy okay? I don't like them to worry. I need to get over it and let them see me like this because crying isn't a bad thing. That sometimes you just need to cry for no reason. Courtney is beginning to understand that.
Just typing this out has helped me sort things out. I wasn't going to put this out for the world to see, and I don't need anyone to worry. I just felt like sharing where I am. What you can pray for me about. My whole family. We're all still grieving. We're all still hurting. Adjusting.
Precious Lord, take my hand,
Lead me on, let me stand,
I am tired, I am weak, I am worn;
Through the storm, through the night,
Lead me on to the light:
Take my hand, precious Lord,
Lead me home.
When my way grows drear,
Precious Lord, linger near,
When my life...oh my life.. is almost gone,
Hear my cry, hear my call,
Hold my hand lest I fall:
Take my hand, precious Lord,
Lead me home
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