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Trapped

I would describe how I have felt the past six months as trapped. Like trying to break through a screen door, you can see and feel outside, but you just can't get through.

 That's how I have mentally felt. I would put on my smile, engage in the world around me. Not let anyone see what I was really dealing with. I was broken inside. I can even remember the moment I realized that it started. I was sitting at the foot of Caleb's hospital bed. Watching his vitals drop. Watching him die. I remember thinking "I am mad. And I am angry at God." I wasn't blaming God, and I knew that anger was part of the grieving process. But I was angry anyways, I was angry with the nurse responsible for Caleb's death. I was angry, and God was there. In that moment I shut off something inside of me. I broke.

I didn't fully realize that I was depressed for a few weeks, maybe a month or so. But I felt defeated when I finally realized it. I knew it was also part of the grieving process. Caleb was my childhood best friend. He was my big brother. He was a great uncle, and an amazing man of God. I had lost so much so quickly. I accepted that I was depressed, and tried to work through it on my own and with God. Then it was Thanksgiving, our first without Caleb. Then my 30th birthday, my first birthday without him. Then it was Christmas, New years, his birthday, the ten year anniversary of my younger brother Chad's death. The anniversary of Chad's death then reminded me of all that I went through with the girls dad, which was a very dark and hurtful place on it's own. Other than a window of happiness around Christmas, I sunk deeper into my mental fog of depression.

I let my insecurities run wild. I tried to hold on too tightly to people when I needed to cling to God. I strained some relationships. I hid behind my mask of "everything is okay." because that is what I do. I'm the strong one. I'm the one who picks up, dusts herself off, takes the bull by the horns, and fights on. But I got lost somewhere inside. I wasn't fully in anything I did. Only my workouts, because those are a GREAT way to push through the mental fog, but then it's over and it comes back. But I wasn't even acknowledging to myself that I was stuck. That alone is very detrimental. Denial. My kids said "Mommy, you're different. You're not happy. You're always just upset or you are just. .  there." That broke my heart. I felt like a failure of a mother because it was affecting my children. I was a mom going through the motions.

About two or three weeks ago I found the Rhett Walker Band and started listening to their music. Very much about breaking out of the past, about God coming to the rescue, about getting through hard times. Praise and worship and uplifting. . . And I felt joy stir while listening to it. Then I found the song Shadows by David Crowder Band with Lecrae. In the end of the middle of the song, Lecrae does one of his rap things that just drives your hand up and you get all excited for God. I couldn't stop listening to it. More joy seeping in.

This past Friday I went to work feeling a bit more like me than I had in a while. I had a wonderful night. Great customers. Fun with my coworkers. We may not have gotten out until well after we had closed, but I was happy. Exhausted and happy. I went to bed and my mind wouldn't turn off. So I did what I needed to do, I spent that time in prayer. I spent that time thinking over things I had screwed up, and I prayed about it. I prayed for the people in my life. And eventually I fell asleep.

I ended up going to the gym on Saturday morning. It was a partners workout, and I got "stuck" with a 13 year old girl who had no idea what she was doing. At first I was a bit ticked off. My times were going to suck. I was going to end up doing most of the work. And yes, those two things were right. But I got to a point where I got out of my own head and thought "What if it was Courtney or Jenna. How would I want someone to think of them or treat them during this?" And so I encouraged her. I pushed her. I showed her form, and I did movements with her to give her that visual. Then she disappeared. We were almost done, and I kept doing more to get us through it. She came back, finished her reps with all she had, and we put our weights away. She then told her mom that she had gone to throw up. That girl threw up, came back, and pushed herself to finish. In that moment I was so proud of her, and I was so thankful that I had a chance to work with her. I felt something of "I went out of my own goals and helped someone else regardless of what it cost me." and it was a wake up call. I had not been loving others regardless of my cost. That is what Christ calls us to do. And then I WANTED to love others regardless of whatever.

I had enough time to run home, shower, down a protein shake, and get to work just in time to unlock the doors. Okay, so maybe a minute late. No breakfast except for the egg and orange at 7am. No lunch til 4pm. I was not looking forward to serving amazing food for 5 hours on an empty stomach. And then I saw a post someone put about how they were doing a fast that day, and every time they felt hunger they would pray and meditate. And I saw an opportunity to get outside of my own discomfort and reach for God. That person inspired me. We play a local Christian station at work. God had all of the right songs playing at the right times. I had customers that I dread waiting on, and I served them with love and joy. My work is my ministry. I can impact people by loving them like Christ regardless of how they smell, look, or seem. Not a lot of people probably treat kindly the young couple with children that never get bathed and always smell like dirt. And I admit I have judged them in my mind. But my job isn't to judge. It's to love. It's to serve. And I enjoyed serving that table and being the light that I could be to them. Hoping it would impact their lives. And the rest of my day continued to be filled with inspiration, joy, realizing things that God wanted to show me, and just being the real me.

Admitting openly that I have been fighting depression is very humbling for me. I don't talk to anyone about certain things in my life, and how I'm really feeling and doing on the inside that deep is one of them. I don't like people worrying about me. I don't like to feel vulnerable, but who does?

I don't expect to be happy all of the time, and I know that I am still healing. But I have found my joy. Deep in my soul joy. And I'm looking beyond myself. How can I serve others? I'm not going to lie, loving others like Christ opens up a whole lot of peace you just don't know is missing. We are called to be compassionate. We are called to love the lost. Love our brothers and sisters in Christ.

I know I will have bad days that come and go. I have no illusions about being fully out of depression. But I think that I am through the worst. I am through the thick of it. I feel like I will have more good days than bad, especially with knowing how great these good days are feeling. I rest my insecurities in Christ. I found my confidence in Him. I found my rest and my hope in Him. He is the anchor for my soul, and He won't let go.

All of that being said, I'm on the other side of that screen door. I slowly ripped at it until I tore through. My soul is in sunshine and warmth on the other side. Bad times come, but we can't let our joy go when they do.

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