Skip to main content

Tenth Avenue North - Worn



I feel like an emotional roller coaster. I feel like I'm happy one minute, and then the next something brings me to tears. I sat down to do my devotions this morning, and it seemed like everything was against me. Phone ringing, kids needing me for something, mind wandering. I finally got my peace and quiet and dove in.

 I am so excited as I am starting a 90 day study on the life of Jesus. I finished one on David, and loved it. At the end of today's it asked a few questions that really made me just stop and think. What do I hope to experience at Jesus' feet? What am I bringing that needs healing? What emptiness or brokenness needs mending? Tears began to fall. What do you want to say to Him at the outset of this journey? Prayer began to pour out. Part of my heart has been dealing with the some of the feelings I had not addressed from sitting at the hospital watching Caleb slip away. Anger. Anger that God would let this all happen. Questioning. What if God isn't real. Then Caleb is just gone. Just no more. What is there that makes me so sure that God is? At the end of the chapter in the book Mended that I am reading in my devotional time, she said that one essential truth is that He is who He says He is. Repeat that. HE IS who He says HE IS. In my emotions that morning, I may have questioned those things, but I knew. I knew He was there. I was mad, and I was mentally lashing out.

As worn as I am right now, my faith is stronger than ever. I hear this song and know that I will see redemption win. I know this struggle will end, and that my heart will be mended. I know that there are good and bad days. I know that times will be crushingly hard. And I know that I get through each suffocating trial in life. God at my side, holding me up. I know that I look back and say "Look at what God has brought us through. Look at how we have stayed strong. That is all God."

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Life Gets a Little Crazy

I feel like sleeping, not blogging, so this will be a bit more rushed than normal. It's been so long since I've posted anything, I just felt that it was about time I caught up (not that anyone really cares. Haha).     Being sick got me behind in everything from laundry and dishes to sleep and school work with the girls. . . and editing photos. Now life has been full of catching up and cleaning up.     I found the cure to Courtney's inability to sleep before I go to bed. Constant music. I found a Disney lullaby cd at the library, and have been playing it all night in their room. Courtney sleeps so much better, which means I sleep much better!      My photography session scheduling went crazy the past 2 months and I have been struggling to keep up with all the editing. The editing takes lots of time. Here's an example: I sat for 3 hours straight just color correcting wedding pictures. You would normally think "WOW!! She probably got a whole lot done!"...
Post a Comment
Read more

“...In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Caleb's funeral was today. There were so many emotions going. It started out okay. People coming in, greeting them, trying to find where my girls were running off to with friends and cousins. So many people came to support us yesterday and today. We were so blessed and so thankful to all who came. It was a great funeral. The music, the message, the friends who got up and spoke. Some of the things said that really meant a lot to me were: 1) Anyone who says that someone physically handicap has no quality of life needs just to look at the life of Caleb to be proven 100% wrong. He lived life to it's fullest. He was a great man of God who studied theology, he wrote wonderfully, and he loved people. His lifelong battle with Duchenne's Muscular Dystrophy never got in the way of his faith, family, and friends. He didn't complain about his handicap. He lived strong in spite of it. 2) Anyone who knows my family knows what trials we have faced. One friend said: All of you ou...
Post a Comment
Read more

The Things that Come with Mourning

My amazing, wonderful, Godly, and dear brother Caleb died on Friday, August 9th, 2013 at 10:35am. My parents 33rd wedding anniversary and the day before Courtney's 9th birthday. My heart is crushed. I know that he is in heaven, and I am praising the Lord at this. I have peace and joy. But right now I am mourning his earthly departure. I miss him so very much. I'm straining my memory to hear his voice. I'm helping my daughters grieve. I'm watching them try to process and deal with this, and it is breaking my heart. Some things I am learning about mourning. You really just don't care about things. Like laundry. I realized I desperately need to do laundry. I also don't care. Maybe I'll do it. Maybe I'll just not. Although I REALLY need to do it. Eating is another one. Or really just remembering to eat. Or making myself eat. I forget that I'm hungry until my stomach hurts. Or I'm just not hungry at all. I made myself eat dinner last night, an...
Post a Comment
Read more