Skip to main content

Two Months

It has been two months today since Caleb went home to be with the Lord. Just 3 and a half hours from now will be what time Mom called to tell me to come to the hospital. That it was bad. That his heart was failing. That we were going to decide to let him go. Just the thought of it brings tears to my eyes, a lump in my throat, and a terrible ache in my chest. How has it been only two months, and how has two months gone by so fast. It seems like it has been so long, yet so short. I miss him so much. I've read back over my blogs from it all, and just think "Why does it feel like it was just a dream?" I love how Mom talked to me one day about Caleb sitting in heaven talking with C.S. Lewis, A.W. Tozer, J.R. Tolkien, and more importantly, Jesus. It is a big comfort to think of his favorite authors and Jesus just sitting there talking with him.

This year has been full of ups and downs. All over the map. Unexpected ones. It's been a lot for me to really handle. Lately I have been struggling with a lot of it, and God has just drawn me in to time with him. He's put books into my devotional time that speak right to the heart of where I am. How broken I have become. I cried out to Him one night "I am not strong. I can't handle this. I am so weak, I can't see through the fog." I broke. I crumbled. I saw the grip that the grief had on me, and how I was trying to hold myself above water by my own power. But I don't have the ability to do that and survive. In giving it to Christ, I gained a clarity on the situation over the days to follow that really comforted me. He was waiting for me to surrender. To admit that I didn't have it together. That I was a mess inside. I still am. I think I may always be. I'm human. But the beautiful thing about it is that God looks past my emotional mess and loves me. Holds me up. Walks beside me with His arm around me. I had lost my joy, but God is showing me that it was being pushed down by my burdens. I know He was the only thing keeping me going.

I know that the healing will be a long road. Caleb was my big brother, and one of my best friends my whole life. He was the strongest man of God I have ever met. I don't know how to explain how this has affected me. It's rocked my world and knocked me off of my feet. I know a lot of my blog lately has been about this, but it helps to put it out there. To feel like someone will read this and know, well, what's going on inside. That I'm not okay most of the time. That I am hurting so deep. I think that I'm coming out of the shock of it. That deep shock that takes a while to really take effect. But again, just typing this out has helped. 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

9/11

Today is a day we will never forget. We will never forget where we were, what we were doing, or the feelings brought on as we watched the news in those first few moments. We will never forget hearing President Bush, his voice full of assurance. We will never forget the stories of those lost on that day.    I was 17 years old and getting ready for my first day of work at the Mexican restaurant I still work at today. We all gathered around the TV in my brothers bedroom and watched as the tragedy played out. I didn't want to go to work. I wanted to go to the fire department I was part of and just be with the guys to watch the news. We knew what some didn't even think about. Those towers would surely fall, and our brothers in the service would continue up those stairs regardless. 343 (I also heard 347, so I'm not sure which is correct) fellow firefighters lost their lives that day. Climbing the stairs with gear, hoses, equipment. Encouraging and helping get everyone out. Thin...
1 comment
Read more

I Can't Stop Crying

After I put the girls to bed tonight, I turned on a Pandora station to help them fall asleep. Later on I was working on laundry in my bedroom when I heard this song come on in the living room. I stopped everything, went in, sat on the couch, and wept. Caleb really liked this guy, and we played this song at the calling hours. It's such a fitting song for where he is now. Someone told me it was like Caleb sent me that song tonight to know he's doing great in heaven. Unfortunately now I cannot stop crying. It's like it broke open the flood gates and the pain is flowing out. My heart is breaking, and I can't make it stop. I can't fix it. I can feel the ache in my heart. I keep remembering the last good visit I had with Caleb in the hospital, and how we just didn't see it coming. Bitter tears over one person's careless actions that took his life. I know, I KNOW that if it wasn't Caleb's time to go, God wouldn't have taken him home. But it still hu...
1 comment
Read more

Reflections on My Year of New Things

Last year I decided it was a year of new things. New adventures. Trying new things. Well, looking back, it was. It was a great year! I'm bold and daring and a "Take the bull by the horns" kind of girl. But don't let that fool you. New things scare me. I don't like the unknown. I like knowing exactly what I'm doing and what's expected of me. New = unknown. So, while I'll jump in head first, it takes me a lot of mental prep to actually jump. W4: I was so blessed to be asked to be the water games coordinator for our VBS last year. I was very unsure of what I was getting myself into. The fun and safety of 200+ kids in the water!? I was blessed to have a great coordination team to work with in the planning stages, and God blessed me beyond belief with my water games leaders and staff. We had a fabulous week! I was one staff member short for leaders, so I was also the preschool game leader. It was crazy fun, but I had to be EXTRA loud to be heard with all...
1 comment
Read more