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Two Months

It has been two months today since Caleb went home to be with the Lord. Just 3 and a half hours from now will be what time Mom called to tell me to come to the hospital. That it was bad. That his heart was failing. That we were going to decide to let him go. Just the thought of it brings tears to my eyes, a lump in my throat, and a terrible ache in my chest. How has it been only two months, and how has two months gone by so fast. It seems like it has been so long, yet so short. I miss him so much. I've read back over my blogs from it all, and just think "Why does it feel like it was just a dream?" I love how Mom talked to me one day about Caleb sitting in heaven talking with C.S. Lewis, A.W. Tozer, J.R. Tolkien, and more importantly, Jesus. It is a big comfort to think of his favorite authors and Jesus just sitting there talking with him.

This year has been full of ups and downs. All over the map. Unexpected ones. It's been a lot for me to really handle. Lately I have been struggling with a lot of it, and God has just drawn me in to time with him. He's put books into my devotional time that speak right to the heart of where I am. How broken I have become. I cried out to Him one night "I am not strong. I can't handle this. I am so weak, I can't see through the fog." I broke. I crumbled. I saw the grip that the grief had on me, and how I was trying to hold myself above water by my own power. But I don't have the ability to do that and survive. In giving it to Christ, I gained a clarity on the situation over the days to follow that really comforted me. He was waiting for me to surrender. To admit that I didn't have it together. That I was a mess inside. I still am. I think I may always be. I'm human. But the beautiful thing about it is that God looks past my emotional mess and loves me. Holds me up. Walks beside me with His arm around me. I had lost my joy, but God is showing me that it was being pushed down by my burdens. I know He was the only thing keeping me going.

I know that the healing will be a long road. Caleb was my big brother, and one of my best friends my whole life. He was the strongest man of God I have ever met. I don't know how to explain how this has affected me. It's rocked my world and knocked me off of my feet. I know a lot of my blog lately has been about this, but it helps to put it out there. To feel like someone will read this and know, well, what's going on inside. That I'm not okay most of the time. That I am hurting so deep. I think that I'm coming out of the shock of it. That deep shock that takes a while to really take effect. But again, just typing this out has helped. 

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