One Year

365 days. 52 weeks. 12 months. One year. We have made it through a year of firsts. First holidays. First birthdays. First annual picnics, first year of the fair, first wedding. Now we go through the first anniversary of Caleb's death. I'm surprised that the past two days have not been as full of dread as I imagined. The stress of the impending emotions had me with a severe headache at work tonight.

I have a great wish. I wish that someone could sketch a picture from my memory. It's a sad picture. Me, sitting on the foot of Caleb's hospital bed. Holding his foot and rubbing it gently with my hand. Looking at the different machines telling his vitals. Looking at him. That picture would be a picture of my breaking point. The memory is burnt clear in my mind. Not knowing what to say to him, not being able to say much beyond "I love you." and "The girls love you." and "It's okay to let go now. You've been strong long enough." Hearing voices behind me, texting friends of Caleb's to let them know what was going on. Feeling anger and hurt.

This has been the hardest year of my life. Harder than when my husband left me pregnant and alone with a nearly one year old? Yes, harder than that year. My kids were effected greatly by how I was doing this past year. They reflected my deep sorrow and anger. I had to get myself focused and on track for them if anything. And I did.

I have had many times where I wanted to call Caleb and tell him something. It hurts. His favorite cake is Cherry Chip, and it's been hard to find for years. While letting Courtney pick out her birthday cake mix last week, I found a box of cherry chip cake mix. I bought it. I was very sad the rest of our shopping trip. Now, I personally greatly dislike cherry chip cake, and have no idea what I will do with said box of cake mix. But I had to buy it. I see funny Star Wars memes on Pinterest quite often. I would love to show him, but I can't. I want so badly to hear what his reaction to Lebron James return to Cleveland would be.

Here I sit, when I should be in bed, remembering things from this day so vividly. The call from mom before 4am saying to come down. That his heart was failing. I remember my friend Candace praying with me at her front door when I dropped the girls off, both of us in tears. Calling my friend Stephanie so someone would keep me sane driving on 71 in the wee hours of the morning. I remember feeling panic inside. I remember being so afraid of what I was heading towards. I knew he was going to heaven, I knew he would be where he wanted to be. But I was afraid of life without him. My big brother. Always there. He was a strong and amazing man. A strong man after God's heart. So eager to know more about the bible, about God's plan. A great writer. An amazing uncle.

I have a playlist of songs that comfort me. Mostly worship songs. Worn by Tenth Avenue North. Lord, I Need You by Matt Maher. 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman. Hurricane by Natalie Grant.
At first I saw the song Worn from Caleb's perspective only. But when I was at my lowest, I pictured myself at the foot of Caleb's hospital bed in those last hours, and realized that song was me right then and there. That the song was my heart from those moments before he died, even until now.

Worn
Tenth Avenue North

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

I'm sure I will write another entry at the end of today. But this is my entry for beginning. Today is August 9th, 2014. My parents 34th anniversary. The day before my daughter Courtney's 10th birthday. And the day that ends the first year without Caleb. 

"So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while." 1 Peter 1:6