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My motivation, as of late, has been practically non-existent. I have felt down, overwhelmed, exhausted, and just plain out of sorts. Today was not an exception. My day started out pretty good. I woke up with energy, was happy to get my day going. But by the end of my shift at work, I was pretty tired. I could blame my sopapilla and rice for a food coma. Such a good lunch!! Mmmmmm..... But whatever it was, I just became a zombie. Maybe it was the 2 fruit punch flavored dum-dum suckers I had on my way to get the girls from my parents. Anyways, by the time we headed home, I had a pretty big headache and was so tired that I just wanted to sleep. I finally gave in to my body's demand for sleep. I had the girls go in their room to watch a movie, laid down, and took a 30 minute nap. I felt a million times better! Then we had dinner. I felt even more better! (no corrections on my grammar, please. It's exactly how I felt). Ever since, I have been Ms. Motivation. I have been organizing, cleaning, brainstorming, and. . . watching the new Smurfs movie. I must say, I didn't think I'd like it at all, but I love it!! It's hilarious!! Best new version of an old show I've seen in a long time.

     I have been having a lot of conversations lately with the girls about dating and their future dad. Courtney said I need to start dating again. Cuz I ever dated before?? I went on my first date when I was 18. Not because of any rules my parents made, but because I just wasn't the girl that guys found interesting or whatever. Anyways, after my divorce 5 years ago, I have been that girl again. The one that never gets asked out. The one that is probably totally oblivious of anyone that IS interested. And the one that has no intentions of being the one to make the first move with anyone. Call me old fashioned, I think the man should be the one to initiate. . . intentions. And he has to be "a man of good moral character and honorable intentions." My new favorite description of what I'm looking for. Waiting for. Trying to be patient about it. I think that's another reason I've been down. My divorce was made official 5 years ago next month. If you asked me back then where I'd be in 5 years, I was sure I would be married and maybe have a baby by now. In reality, I have been on 2 horrific blind dates (see previous blog for THOSE stories), one online dating flop, and one pathetic short relationship with the wrong guy. All within about a 1 year period. Of course, there has been the 65+ year old customer that asked me out, the older men (40+), the married men that have made some inappropriate advances, the teenagers that have crushes on me, Hmmmm..... And that's about it. The girls haven't seen or heard from their sperm donor in 4 years, he hasn't paid child support in over a year. They call him by his first name when they talk about him, and they don't consider him to really be their "daddy". Jenna doesn't remember him at all. Courtney only remembers a few things, and they aren't positives. So they desire a Daddy to be their very own. It breaks my heart to know what they are missing in not having a dad. Jenna would be the biggest daddy's girl the world has ever seen. Courtney would still be mama's girl, but she would thrive with a daddy's love. Being a single mom, though, also makes it harder for me when it comes to the idea of dating. Trusting someone else with my girls hearts like that is a scary thing. It's scary enough to think of trusting my own heart to a man. I have been so hurt in the past, I am petrified of the idea of going on a date. I will probably be so awkward... oh my. I guess it goes with my goal of getting out of my comfort zone and trying new things. Hahaha!!! This has been the year to do that. Lots of new things have been placed before me, and I have been taking them head on. Being a lead coordinator for W4 (our VBS) this year being on of those things. And I'm LOVING IT!!

       I'll end with a conversation the girls had tonight with me:

Courtney - "I forgot we don't have a dad. I thought he was at work, and then I remembered that he pretty much doesn't exist. I wish we had a dad. I just want that man who's going to marry you to come into our lives. But, I know that God wants us to be patient. Maybe he'll come in to La Paloma one of these days. Or he'll come to church. One of the two, and fall in love with you. He has to be good with the bible, love God, go to church, have a job, love kids, have given his heart to Jesus and meant it . . ."


Jenna - "And he has to vote Shaffer for Sheriff."


THE END.

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